I found you…

~~Love After Love~~

The time will come when,

with elation you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, Sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was yourself.

Give wine.  Give Bread.  Give back your heart to itself,

to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored for another,

who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit.  Feast on your life.

 

Derek Walcott~Author

In love and light,

Janis

www.cohenfamilycounseling.com

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Your Last Lecture

If you were giving your last lecture- your best piece of advice for appreciating life- what would it be?

Most of us assume that people, who are facing old age or death, tend to be the ones who reflect on what has happened in their lives.  Not true. Self-reflection is not for those who are aging or dying; it is for all of us to practice regularly, not when we are faced with the end of something or are injured. Continue reading

Lie Number 5

  

You tell yourself this lie when are unsure of who you need to be.  Maybe you are someone whose parents didn’t know how to communicate or relate to one another, leaving it to you to figure out what people might like in someone and, therefore, you tried to emulate what you thought would work, without true understanding of who you were.  Perhaps you are someone who feels guilty about your past; someone who can’t fathom finding approval from anyone; especially, since you can’t give yourself the approval that you so desperately seek.

Lie number five is all about the reality YOU create because of what YOU believe about YOURSELF.  It has nothing to do with anyone else.  If you believe that you aren’t worthy of being accepted, then you surely won’t be; and not only will you willingly bestow this falsehood of your unacceptability onto everyone you encounter,via YOUR behavior when you are with them,  but you will also manifest a negative outcome. Consider this the “self-fulfilling prophecy” lie.  Check out lie number five. Continue reading

Lie Number 4

Really?  That’s all you have to say?  Lie number four focuses on the “easy out” you give yourself when you are asked to explain why something has happened. Even when people are voluntarily in a therapeutic setting, this is the first thing that flies out of their mouth when inquiry occurs about an obstacle.   This lie is regurgitated so often and by so many, that saying it somehow becomes acceptable.  Kids do it all the time when they don’t want to get in trouble after they have gotten caught for doing something they shouldn’t have.   But this lie, as adults use it, isn’t about getting caught; it’s about what you are willing to do to uncover what lies beneath and defines how willing you are to be honest with yourselfCheck out lie number four. Continue reading

Lie Number 3

 

Today’s lie is brought to you by the number 3.  THIS lie focuses on how you define your worth and value.  We all, at one ,or many points in our lives, define ourselves by things and others.  How often have you said this to yourself?

Completeness comes from external experiences and validation from others.

If my boss praises me, then I am valuable. ” ” If someone loves me, then I am significant.” ” If I get this job, then I am qualified.”  You might believe that one or all of these things can fill you up internally, but they really don’t.  The satisfaction you get from them won’t be permanent, if you aren’t able to feel valuable, significant, and loved on your own. Continue reading

Lie Number 2

You say you want certain things to happen in your life, but somehow, life gets in the way.  Here is lie #2.  Let me know how often you find yourself using this one.

  I can’t do “X” because I  don’t have enough time, money, or energy to do it.

These are the top reasons why people generally fail to accomplish what they say they say they want to accomplish.  These reasons are convenient, sound good and are used by most people on which they seat their ” I can’ts.”

I often share this quote with clients who are unsure of where they really stand when it comes to making changes in their lives: “When someone is interested in something, they do what’s convenient.  When someone is committed to something, they do whatever it takes.”  Usually, after hearing this, clients realize which side of the committment fence they stand; on the side of interest or urgency.

Those who know what urgency looks like, feels like, and tastes like, are so convicted and stand in such a level of certainty that what they say will happen actually does!

Check your salivary glands; if you aren’t drooling with desire  about this thing that you are trying to do, then you are simply interested.  If you have to keep wiping your mouth, then you are committed.  🙂

Remedy:  If interest is what you have and you want to feel more committed, see if you can identify what is lacking that prevents you from feeling zesty about it. Then find out what how you can add what lacks into the equation.  If you truly can’t figure out what it would take to be committed, then what you say you want, really isn’t what you want.  Give this want some shelf-time and move onto something else that you feel passionate about.  You can always revisit your list of wants.

If you are someone who frequently uses an “I can’t”, which of these excuses do you use and  what type of fear underscores your “I can’t?”  Is it possible, then, for you to find out how to replace the fear component with confidence, faith and committment? If so, what would that look like and how can you make that happen?

You now have an awareness of how you lie to yourself in this way.  No more denial about it.  Simply acknowledge that you really don’t have a desire to make something happen or that you are scared to make a move.  We all know the infamous saying: “The first step to healing from your problem is admitting that you have one.”  It’s ok to admit that you really don’t want to do something or that something holds you back.  It’s also ok to be scared about the unknown.

Remember this, if you don’t take a risk you will never know what the outcome could be.

In love and light,

Janis

www.cohenfamilycounseling.com

Lies We Tell Ourselves

Truth be told, we lie to ourselves more often than we realize.  We rationalize, justify, and defend what we believe, think, and do, so that we can make our life ok when it isn’t , to impress someone, or to be accepted.

I bet you don’t even realize how often you lie to yourself.  We all do it.   Pretty soon, the accumulation of these little white lies becomes your re-written truth.

Here are some examples of lies you might tell yourself and others: Continue reading