Lie Number 3

 

Today’s lie is brought to you by the number 3.  THIS lie focuses on how you define your worth and value.  We all, at one ,or many points in our lives, define ourselves by things and others.  How often have you said this to yourself?

Completeness comes from external experiences and validation from others.

If my boss praises me, then I am valuable. ” ” If someone loves me, then I am significant.” ” If I get this job, then I am qualified.”  You might believe that one or all of these things can fill you up internally, but they really don’t.  The satisfaction you get from them won’t be permanent, if you aren’t able to feel valuable, significant, and loved on your own.

If you are constantly looking to other people and things to build you up, you set yourself up for an emotional implosion. It is natural to want praise and recognition from others, especially if you are proud of what you have accomplished.  When it is the basis for your worth, it will never be enough.

So many people are searching for the secret to happiness.  It’s like trying to find the fountain of youth (and no, I am not talking about Botox or plastic surgery).  Unless you establish happiness and youth within yourself, you will never find these things outside of yourself.  There is no mystery about this.  Taking valuable space up with feeling badly about yourself, won’t give yourself the space to feel good. The two opposites can’t co-exist.  You choose how happy you are.  Even in the face of all things against you, you still have power to think.

Some people have been raised in a religion and/or culture that does not value the goodness and worth of the individual nor does it celebrate the godliness within each human being.  Unfortunately, these religions and cultures, that base their existence on the idea that we are born sinners and/or don’t have the right to assert ourselves beyond the “written word”, create a sense of paranoia about how an individual can attain happiness and fulfillment in their lives. In these cases, the definition of acceptance, worth, and goodness is pre-determined and is not to be tampered with.

When faced with this type of living; It’s the religious/cultural way or no way”,  tremendous inner turmoil develops in those of you who know you believe differently than what your culture dictates or what your religion decrees. Unless you break free from these binding beliefs, you will relinquish the opportunity to define and attain true happiness for you.

Don’t get me wrong, religion is important.  It serves as the foundation for grounding and connectedness.  I encourage people to believe in a religion that they agree with and which makes them feel closer to God.  I do not, however, encourage people to live a life of inner conflict, where following rules and laws that support judgement, exclusion, and pain, are the foundational tenants.  Whether its religion or spirituality, stay connected with whatever practice brings you peace.

Remedy:  To build yourself up, do what brings you joy and do something  joyful every day. Listen to your desires and feed them often with action. If you need to work on making peace and letting go with a way of living that doesn’t suit you anymore, go ahead, work on moving forward; but fill yourself up first.

You may encounter family members or friends who are fully committed to living a life that doesn’t agree with you anymore.  They might have difficulty accepting your shifted focus and might outright reject you.  That is to be expected.   When tolerance is tested, having compassion for yourself and those who struggle to accept what they don’t agree with, is key.  You may be surprised, though, about how evolved those who love you really are, allowing them to acknowledge, but not agree with your way of living should be your main expectation.

Let what others have to offer you, in the ways of  worth and significance, enhance what you already believe about yourself, and not rely on it to entirely define you.  Oh yeah,  and remind yourself that,whatever you experience from external sources, is just a bonus~!

In love and light,

Janis

www.cohenfamilycounseling.com

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