Lie Number 5

  

You tell yourself this lie when are unsure of who you need to be.  Maybe you are someone whose parents didn’t know how to communicate or relate to one another, leaving it to you to figure out what people might like in someone and, therefore, you tried to emulate what you thought would work, without true understanding of who you were.  Perhaps you are someone who feels guilty about your past; someone who can’t fathom finding approval from anyone; especially, since you can’t give yourself the approval that you so desperately seek.

Lie number five is all about the reality YOU create because of what YOU believe about YOURSELF.  It has nothing to do with anyone else.  If you believe that you aren’t worthy of being accepted, then you surely won’t be; and not only will you willingly bestow this falsehood of your unacceptability onto everyone you encounter,via YOUR behavior when you are with them,  but you will also manifest a negative outcome. Consider this the “self-fulfilling prophecy” lie.  Check out lie number five.

                   I can’t be who I really am, because who I am is unacceptable.

How many of you pretend to be something you aren’t to be accepted?  How many of you feel that you aren’t in touch with your true self and wouldn’t even recognize your truth if it bonked you on the head? How many of you constantly judge yourself as bad or wrong because you have made mistakes and YOU find them unforgivable?

As I mentioned in the introduction to lie number one, fear is the basis for lying to yourself and others.   Those of you who feel that you can’t sit with the “in crowd” because you don’t measure up, are being too critical of yourself and it is not based on reality.

When we are afraid of showing up in the truth of who we are, we assign how we feel about ourselves, to others.  One of the major fears you might have, if you believe that you are unacceptable, is the fear that someone will find out about all of the mistakes you’ve made; the incidences of poor judgement that you’ve had or that you are really an insecure person who acts like a big shot to overcompensate; ultimately labeling you as a fake.

Let me say something directly to you. We ALL have skeletons in our closets.  We ALL make ridiculous mistakes that we wish we never made, and believe it or not, mistakes don’t always mean things that we have already done…. they also include risks that we haven’t taken that have changed the course of our lives.  We ALL have been fearful, at one time or another, that someone might find out something that might rule us out.  You are not unique in that way. So, exhale please…….

At some point, you must realize that it’s your harsh judgement of yourself  that is the root of this fear.  I have challenged clients to test their theory of unacceptability, to see if it has the basis to exist and I ask them to intentionally have an interaction where they are pretending to feel good about themselves while reciting a fun and confident mantra as they walk on stage to engage with the other person.  I ask them to compare their experience and its success to those that they might often have when they aren’t coming from their positive place.  9 times out of 10, clients report back, that to their surprise, the interaction went very well and the person really seemed to respond favorably to them.  This just proves that what YOU believe about yourself can impact you positively or negatively. YOU are the master of your fate.

I do not know of one person who wouldn’t go back and change something in their lives. How do you think people become humble? By making mistakes and learning from them.  In this very moment is the chance to begin anew. This very moment.

Own your mistakes, not burden yourself with them. Learn from them. Then, commit to yourself to doing differently in the future. When you begin to make choices in your life that enable you to feel good about yourself, regardless of your past, you will never feel the need to assign others the feelings that you feel; you will just exist from a centered and whole place.

Remedy: Forgiveness of yourself is your “get out of jail free” card for this lie.  Guilt, shame, and anger weigh the most and are the hardest to carry around because of how low you keep yourself to the ground.  Complete this visualization and say this affirmation that follows, and you will set yourself free.

Close your eyes and take several deep breaths and begin to be fully aware of your breathing.  Visualize an actual backpack on your back.  What color is it?  What do the straps look like?  How many compartments does it have. Do you make sure it’s secure by wrapping it around your waist and clicking it in place? Which compartment is the fullest?

Really get a sense of the heaviness of the back pack, similar to the one you carried around in school, filled to the brim with heavy books and homework.

Now imagine looking into every compartment and identifying what feelings are stuffed in there and, if you can, identify the root of the feeling.

Next, notice the thoughts that go with those feelings.  They are repetitive thoughts that support the feelings you carry around. Take as much time as you need to pay homage to these thoughts that have served you so well……

Visualise yourself unzipping, unsnapping and opening every single compartment in this back pack and watching everything quickly float up and out of your carrier, immediately vanishing in the air, leaving you an empty bag.

Next, remove this back pack from your back and see yourself throwing it in the trashcan.  Then, visualize the trashcan blowing up into smithereens and evaporating into thin air. There are no remnants of what has just taken place.

Allow yourself to take several breaths and let the lightness you feel, reach all of your senses.  Stay with this wonderful feeling for as long as you choose.  And when you are ready, you can open your eyes and smile with your whole body.

You are now free of all of these heavy thoughts and feelings that you have no use for anymore.  Congratulations!

Practice this meditation and visualization whenever you feel heavy and negative.

In love and light,

Janis

www.cohenfamilycounseling.com

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