Your Agreement and The Sacrifice

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She needed her car.

She had to get around town.

Her tire was blown and the rim was shot.

She has no family. A few friends. No partner.  No kids.  And, very little money.

She really needed her car.

Somehow, she found a way; she finally maxed out her credit card.

She fixed it all.  She had her car back.

But she was still broke financially and in emotional pain. Continue reading

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The One Thing You Need to Be Successful

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I think one of the biggest reasons why people are ineffective or unsuccessful is that they never clearly declare what they want.

It sounds simple, doesn’t it?

But ask yourself:

“Do I really know what is most important to me?” 

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Why are you so surprised?

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“I can’t believe she did that!”  “I don’t understand, how could he do that to me?”

I hear this on a regular basis from clients and friends.  They can’t seem to understand how people in their lives do what they do and why they keep doing it.

It’s simple really.

We all have patterns of behavior.  Some of us know our patterns well and execute them proficiently on a daily basis.  Others of us ‘seem’ to be clueless about who we really are and how we behave.

As receivers of others people’s words and deeds, we tend to become comfortable with the behavioral patterns of those who are consistently in our lives.  And, we also tend to express ‘utter shock’ when someone, whom we thought we knew so well, hurts us… again.

We continue to be hurt by others whom we know because we don’t pay attention to what we already know.

Each of you can name at least 5 common/standard behaviors that those familiar people in your lives display.

Are they reactive, selfish, concrete thinkers?  Controlling, anxious and rigid?  Do they talk about others critically, gossip and pass negative judgments about others? (btw- everyone judges everyone else. It’s just whether we choose to say positive or negative things.)  Do they actively avoid dealing with discomfort directly and as a result, behave passively-aggressive?

Just think about this for a minute.  You know the people who are in your circles; family, friends, colleagues.  You KNOW how they are (even with just ONE interaction with them) and yet you choose to act like you have NO FREAKING CLUE!!

Stop being surprised and start paying attention to ‘WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW.”

As I say, “you know what you know.”  It’s all there; RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

You can either pay attention to what you inherently know or not. It’s your choice.

Yes, I DID say that!

It is a CHOICE.

You can adjust your expectations of these people, based on what you already know ,or you can continue to act surprised.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW.

The next time someone in your friend, colleague or family circle ‘hurts’ you, take a look at what you already know about them.

Chances are (close to 99.99%) that they have had this SAME behavior with you and others.  It just looks a little different because it’s in a different situation.

Now comes the work.

Now, you must  make a conscious choice to relate to this person differently, based on what you know (i.e. become more conservative in your disclosures to them or don’t rely on them to have your best interests at heart or accept them in the exact way that they act towards you) or you can pretend that you  are experiencing them ‘for the first time.’

I encourage you to stop expecting others to be anything but what they show themselves to be, unless they start to show themselves differently.

(You might want to repeat that daily.  Post it everywhere in your house if you are one of those people who are constantly surprised by the behavior of others.)  “)

Go ahead.  Make that list of what you already know about the people in your life.  See what you come up with.

Then, apply that to whatever pain or distress you are in.  Doesn’t it fit?  Doesn’t it make sense? Is it the same pattern with a different presentation?

I thought so.

Now, doesn’t that feel better?

Excellent.

This One Question Will Change Your Life!

I bet you are chomping at the bit to find out what the golden question is that will change your life. I would be( if I didn’t already know the answer).  Doesn’t everyone want to know how to change their life in an instant?

I fully expect that you are going to scroll through the text and see if I have highlighted it, underlined it or italicised it.

Well, don’t bank on finding it so easily. You are going to have to work at decoding it yourself.  What I will do for you is pave the way for you to uncover it and teach you some things as you travel. Deal? Deal.

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When Someone Shows You Who They Are the First Time, Believe Them: How Paying Attention to the Red Flags in Any Relationship Will Keep You Safe

You know you have done this; noticed something about someone, when you initially meet them, that causes you to furrow your brow and feel uneasy but then brushed it aside.  We have all done that, at one time or another.

Whether it’s a new friend or in a new dating relationship, the red flags are always there from the beginning.  The challenge you face is whether or not you are going to honor yourself enough to acknowledge what you already know or whether you will choose to ignore the warning signs and put yourself in harms’ way. Continue reading

Seeing is Believing: What Your Behavior is Really Telling Your Kids About You

Children pay attention to EVERYTHING.  They use all of their senses to find clarity, safety, certainty, and love when they are around their parents. Children watch you, even when you don’t realize it.

They notice how your tone of voice differs from the words you say, they see how you come home from work and watch who you become, when you get home.  Even though your children live in the “now”, they file away the nonverbal messages you give, and if there is a pattern, they try to figure out how they fit into the equation of why you are acting the way you are acting and sometimes,they wonder why they don’t seem to fit into your behavior at all. Continue reading